{"id":8152,"date":"2012-09-24T22:48:22","date_gmt":"2012-09-24T12:48:22","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.thefatwebsite.com\/?p=8152"},"modified":"2014-06-02T14:44:00","modified_gmt":"2014-06-02T04:44:00","slug":"u-s-presidential-elections-2012-the-best-of-the-republican-candidates","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"http:\/\/www.thefatwebsite.com\/?p=8152","title":{"rendered":"U.S Presidential Elections 2012: Why Romney Won The Republican Primary"},"content":{"rendered":"

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Rick Santorum, Newt Gingrich, Michele Bachmann, Mitt Romney, Rick Perry, Some Guy, Herman Cain, Jon Huntsman<\/p><\/div>\n

“You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy”
\n– Obi Wan Kenobi<\/em><\/p>\n

With Mitt Romney’s campaign looking dead in the water a full six weeks away from Election Day, there are already retrospectives<\/a> being run in the press about how we ended up with this weird Machiavellian squillionaire as the Republican nominee.\u00a0 It bears repeating that Obama is not a well liked president and has consistently polled at less than a 50% approval rating for over a year now.\u00a0 When polled against a Generic Republican<\/a>, he would lose the presidency.\u00a0 All the Republican party had to do was find someone who matched the believes of this Generic candidate who wouldn’t have too much personal baggage that people might find…off-putting.\u00a0 Then The White House would be theirs.<\/p>\n

The result was a colourful star-studded Republican primary that featured almost all of the major candidates taking a turn at being a front runner against President Obama.<\/p>\n

Let’s look back at the people who were tapped on the shoulder from God and told to run for president (He has a unique sense of humour).<\/p>\n

Rick Santorum<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Rick Santorum is a far right Pennsylvanian senator and a prominent family values campaigner who fights hard against the gay rights movement.\u00a0 Such was the tenacity of his political career that the gay community coined a lurid sexual term <\/a>from his surname.\u00a0 This lead to the expression that Rick Santorum has a ‘Google problem’ because if you look him up on search engines, well, its not pretty.<\/p>\n

Santorum is a hardline Christian who doesn’t believe in the seperation of Church and State.\u00a0 He believes homosexuality is comparable to beastiality.\u00a0 He is aggressively anti-academia and believes colleges are “liberal indoctrination centres” and that Obama is a snob<\/a> for wanting all Americans to aspire for a college education.\u00a0 He does not believe in climate change or evolution.\u00a0 He is a Young Earth Creationist that believes that Earth is 5,000 years old.\u00a0 He spoke recently about his belief that intellectual elites and smart people don’t belong in the Republican party<\/a>.<\/p>\n

He ran his 2012 presidential campaign rallying against Obama’s fiscal irresponsibility.\u00a0 Unfortunately, his campaign came to a premature end when it finished several million dollars in debt<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Newt Gingrich
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Newt Gingrich made his name in politics in the Nineties when he lead the impeachment against President Bill Clinton for his affair with Monica Lewinksy.\u00a0 A proudly religious man, Newt is against gay marriage and wants to protect and promote the sanctity of marriage.<\/p>\n

Newt is thrice married.\u00a0 He cheated on the first two wives that he married when they inconveniently became terminally ill<\/a>.\u00a0 He at least made attempts to reconcile his second marriage by trying to convince her to have a three-way<\/a> with his mistress.<\/p>\n

On the plus side, Newt is a cool dude who wants to build a moon base in eight years<\/a>.<\/p>\n

He ran his 2012 presidential campaign rallying against Obama’s fiscal irresponsibility.\u00a0 Unfortunately, his campaign came to a premature end when it finished several million dollars in debt<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Michele Bachmann<\/strong><\/h2>\n

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Michell Bachmann is a member of the U.S House of Representatives from Minnesota.\u00a0 She raised 23 children (all women) and is a champion of the Tea Party movement that swept conservative politics in 2010.\u00a0 A true patriot, Michele is a little suspicious of the Democratic party and wants a McCarthy style witch hunt to be held to uncover who is pro-America and who is anti-America.<\/a><\/p>\n

She also doesn’t put up with any shit from the unions and would like to abolish minimum wage entirely<\/a>.\u00a0 Her reasoning?\u00a0 “If we took away the minimum wage — if conceivably it was gone — we could potentially virtually wipe out unemployment completely because we would be able to offer jobs at whatever level.”<\/p>\n

Bachmann believes medical vaccinations cause ‘retardation’ (her words<\/a>) and that hurricanes are signs from God that American government is too large<\/a>.\u00a0 She also does not believe that carbon dioxide is harmful.<\/p>\n

Rick Perry
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Texas governor Rick Perry is sometimes described as ‘George Bush on steroids.’<\/p>\n

The man has a proud no-nonsense approach to criminal justice with a record of consigning 234 people to the chair under his tenure.\u00a0 This awkwardly\u00a0 drew raucous applause<\/a> during the Republican primary amongst the (blood-thirsty?) conservative faithfuls when it was brought up during a televised debate.<\/p>\n

Perry is a born and bred Texan, having spent time growing up at his father’s ranch, rather inconveniently named ‘Niggerhead Lodge.’\u00a0 He does not believe in evolution or climate change.<\/p>\n

Perry lost the Republican primary campaign in a moment that was eerily reminiscent of George Bush’s verbal blunders.\u00a0 During a debate, while rattling off the names of government agencies he would close, poor Rick had a brain freeze.\u00a0 For fifty seconds on live television.\u00a0 He couldn’t quite remember how many agencies he would close or what they were.\u00a0 ‘Oops.’\u00a0 The campaign was done.<\/p>\n