I don’t know if I am the only one, but I just discovered that I am insanely bad at letting go. I am insanely bad at letting go of memories and feelings and things from my past that are dead and buried, yet still I milk them for all they are worth, not wanting to move into the present for fear it will not be as good as the memories.
When I first moved away from Brunei, I didn’t want to go out, or talk to anyone. I just wanted to sit in front of my computer and chat to all my old buddies (which worked out pretty well, coz thats all most of them wanted to do to.)
Needless to say, I eventually got over it, but I still tell stories to people here about Brunei. (And no doubt they are all like “must have a hard time letting go.)
If I am honest with myself, a lot of it probably comes back to me maintaining my long distance relationship with Jeanne (whom I met in Brunei) for so much longer after we had both gone in opposite directions.
Well, after just one year in England. I am having the same difficulties. I long for England. I long for its cold wet dreary weather. I long for the stares of disgust from every trendy when I go out because I have spiky hair and piercings. I long for having to wear shirt-slacks-proper shoes to go into clubs. I miss the shite music. I miss the equally shite TV. I miss the small cars and smelly busses. I miss the nutters at the train station. I miss different coloured money. I miss paying 5 quid for a pack of cigarettes. I miss Carling.
And again, I think I can attribute this to one thing. A girl. While in the UK last Christmas, the opportunity for me to hook up with a girl I had been in love with for a long time arose, and of course I grabbed at it with two hands. We were pretty much inseperable for the 2 weeks I was there, and I fell more and more in love with her. Then when it came to saying the goodbyes, we both sensibly decided that it would be foolish for us to put our lives on hold for the other one, and try and maintain a love affair with someone you only see once or twice a year. It was hard, because we both loved each other, but the right thing to do.
(this post has a point, i promise. I am getting there)
Anyway, we had been keeping in touch through email. Today she told me that she had been seeing someone else….every felt like someone has ripped your heart out and punted over a fence? Yeah, somehting like that.
And then I realised what I said at the beginning of the post. I haven’t been able to let go of her. I havent been able to let go of the memory, because after all, thats all she effectively was. Pictures on the wall, or songs that remind me of her. Not a girlfriend that I was actually spending time with, just someone who I was in love with because it gave me someone to cling onto.
Every girl I have met has not measured up to her, because in my eyes she is perfection. She has not had the opportunity ti upset me, or for me to see any flaws. She is perfection in my mind, and my love for someone with no flaws is boundless.
So to my loss, I have probably missed out on 6 months of Southern California beauties, all because of a memory. I have probably missed out on people I could have had a real relationship with, where we actually saw each other every day. But no, it was easier to love a memory. Less chance of dissapointment.
This was of course all done unconciously. But it just all made sense to me today.
I hate stories with morals, but I am just going to say that you should stop hanging onto the past and look at the present. Because today’s present is tomorrows memories, and if you don’t live it up now, you won’t even have anything to look back on.
(looking forward to the comments in the comments box…)
Posted by Sam @ 09:16 AM AST [Link] [3 comments]
Replies: 3 comments
Sam, i think you have discribed how all of us that used to live in brunei feel or have felt at one point. here’s my take on it:
it is important to stop living in the memories, for if we dont our lives will never progress and we will never be happy again for we will always compair our lives to the current situation (in which memories will always win). However, i have to agree that memories shape the person you are today. they give you a sense of feeling every emotion that is humanly possible. everyone possesses memories of fear, love hatered etc. If these memories are forgoten how can you look back at your life and smile? life is not all good and if you think is then you are nieve. Take the memories that you have had. keep making more. then by the end of it realize that you have had a complete life for you can remember feeling every emotion at least once in your life.
memories arnt created in a specific time period or by specific people… they are created by you.
Posted by Matt @ 06/30/2003 03:55 AM AST
sam sam sam, i’m hearing you dude. i came to that realisation recently too, holding on to memories that were so good, so easily relived that I blatantly disregarded everything else that was happening around me. to hear a song or smell that same shampoo an a different girl and be instantly ripped back to a better time…and knowing that know one else would ever understand. yup, i can relate. and just as kris roe put it, “life is only as good as the memories we make…these relics of rememberance are just like shipwrecks, only they’re gone faster than the smell after it rains” (so long, astoria. the ataris). Anyway since that realisation i feel a lot less confused and more aware of the things happening around me rather than in the past and inside my mind. and like edo put it, i don’t regret any of the memories i hold so dear, all the words, laughs, and tears all helped shape who i am and for that i am thankful. ok, personal lyric coming up: “and don’t pay too much attention as to forget the ones you hold so close, cuz nothing they’ll ever teach you will prepare you for this nostalgic overdose” (t-shirt memories. jassa). enough personal ramble from me, basic point of this comment post was to say that i agree, i think people should move on and make every moment that passes a memory to reflect on at a later stage. later.
Posted by jassa @ 06/28/2003 05:04 PM AST
I have no real adviced to give. I’d like to think I learnt this lesson myself but then you just meet some real nice girl and it happens all over again and then you get hurt and feel sad. But I’m thankful for every one of these girls I meet and revel in every single day of loving, hating, crying and the memories they give me.
Posted by Edo @ 06/28/2003 03:27 PM AST