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New Years (Brunei)

9.00 AM – Wake up.  It’s absolutely pissing down with rain.

9.45 AM – Phone Chloe and ask if she is coming to Goodview Hotel for New Years.  She says ‘maybe’.  That obviously means ‘no, fuck off’.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.  Damn.

10.00 AM  Put pants on.

11.00 AM  Mike and Matt arrive.  Play Virtua Tennis on Dreamcast and start physically fighting.  I have to restrain Matt who is screaming ‘Bring It On’ at Mike.  Sigh.

11.30 AM  Laura Mitchell not coming either.  Hmm.  The numbers seem to be dwindling.

12.00 PM  Go to Gadong.  Still pissing down with rain.  Buy food in supermarket.  Mike suggests we get condoms.  We eventually find some in the store, locked in glass case.  We ask a shop clerk to assist us and he goes to the Condom Key Vault, enters in the 12 digit PIN number and returns with the key, and gives us the condom.  The woman at the checkout seems to have half her face burnt off.  Gross.

12.46 PM  Find The Gift on VCD.  The three of us gibber ‘Katie Holmes Topless!’ for 5 minutes before realizing what absolute berks we must look like.  Buy The Gift and Bambi on VCD.  And some karaoke CDs.

2.00 PM  Go home.  Pack.  Play Virtua Tennis.  Matt is worried that Lauren won’t come to the New Years party.

4.00 PM  Go to the Goodview hotel.  Set up adjoining rooms for party.  Matt is worried that Lauren won’t come.  Mike is worried someone will steal his porn.

5.00 PM  Sophie, Dian, Kate and Annie arrive.

5.30 PM  We sit around drinking Coca Cola.  Matt is devastated to learn Lauren isn’t coming.  No bottle opener for booze.  Smelly.

6.00 PM  Rod arrives.  He has bottle opener.  Stefanus arrives shortly after.

6.30 PM  Start drinking.  Watch muted Bambi and listen to Apollo 440.  Bambi CD keeps fucking up so we watch Japanese She-Man Professional Wrestling.

7.00 PM  New Zealand New Year.  Kate and I shout loudly and annoy everyone else who is drinking their alcohol quietly and politely.

7.20 PM  Bring out the karaoke.  Only me, Kate and Matt seem to be singing.  Everyone else has moved to the other room to smoke and talk quietly.

7.30 PM  Adi, Oliver, Dan and some guy with glasses show up.  Fed up with our karaoke and generally noisy antics, everyone leaves to go to the party at the Holiday Lodge leaving only me, Kate, Dian, Mike and guy with glasses.

7.50 PM  Guy with glasses buys us pizza.

8.00 PM  Tired. Try to sleep.  Dian keeps slapping me in the face!

8.30 PM  Everyone comes back from Holiday Lodge.  Apparently it sucked ass.  Mike farts.  Matt looks depressed.  Dian occasionally slaps me and suggests I should make out with Kate.

9.10 PM  Dian and Kate start making out.  Fucking hell.

9.30 PM  Kate says she’ll make out with ME and not Dian at midnight.  That’ll show her!  Dian says she will make out with me also.  Then actually kisses me then.  Some what surprised, I sit there like a stunned mullet and don’t do anything.

9.50 PM  Drink, drink, drink.

10.00 PM  Watch porn on TV.  Man has 16 inch penis!  Woman has absolutely filthy sloppy floppy saggy breasts!  Too drunk and disgusted to be aroused.

10.30 PM  Dian and Kate make out again.  What the hell?  Guy With Glasses try to take a photo but he is retarded and can’t seem to do so.

11.00 PM  One hour to go.

11.53 PM  Unsuccesfully try and lock Guy With Glasses in the corridor for New Year.

12.00 AM  New Year!  Kiss, hug assorted people in the room.

12.20 AM  Start watching The Gift.  We see Katie Holmes breast when they fish her mangled corpse out the lake.  Wasn’t as sexy as I had hoped.  Actually, it wasn’t really sexy at all.  Dian is asleep.  She drunk.

1.00 AM  Me, Kate and Matt go get Ice Milo in the shop down the road.  Sit in stairwell and discuss relationships.

1.20 AM  Oliver and Adi leave.  Oliver is glaring malevolently at us as he walks down the stairs muttering something about God.  Goodness.

1.30 AM  I get in to bed with Kate thinking this could be a very good plan.  I wait politely for Rod and Annie to leave the room once they finish talking about American Presidents.

5.00 AM  Rod and Annie finishing talking about American Presidents and the Electoral College.  But they stay and we all watch porn.  I’m still hopeful.

5.10 AM  Sophie blows smoke rings.

5.20 AM  Eat Chupa Chups.  Sophie declares her new exclusively Apple Flavored Chupa Chups diet.  Not exactly sure what she is talking about.

5.30 AM  I’m starting to think this thing with Kate is not going to happen.  I’m fucking tired and Rod and Annie are now talking about Men That Take Advantage of Younger Girls.

6.00 AM  Everyone finally leaves the room to go to the one next door.  Except for Dan who is going to sleep.  This is it!

6.01 AM  Ask Kate if she’s in the mood.  She says no.

6.02 AM  Ask Kate if she’s in the mood.  She says no.

6.15 AM  Go to sleep.

8.30 AM  Wake up.  Prank call Rod, Sophie, Dian and Annie for no good reason.

10.30 AM  Breakfast.

11.00 AM  Leave.

So what did you do for New Year?

About Edo

Edo currently lives in Australia where he spends his time playing video games and enjoying his wife's cooking.

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