My holiday from hell is over and I’m back at school. Things are hectic. It’s a lot like high school. I’m pre-occupied thinking about a certain girl, my group work is going to hell because my team are fighting amongst each other and well, I’m rambling, but I do have something I want to say.
On Sunday, I had a bit of a revelation. It started when I was scrolling through some archive material of this site a couple of years. Specifically The Hotel Year. I really cringed as I read what I wrote at the time. I come across like the most self-absorbed asshole who lives in a dreamworld. I remembered what I was thinking at the time when I wrote those posts and I can summarize it for you now: “me me me me me”.
The Rules of Attraction was a book that at the time I upheld as my own personal bible because I wanted to, and for a little while, actually lived the life of a character from that book. Remember when we used to have a party every three days? Literally, every three days for months at a time. They were all themed (toga, bubbles, karaoke, Disney, spandex, disco etc.) and everyone just got completely wasted and went crazy. I think at the toga party, about four relationships ended, a few new ones were made, and some old ones got back together all in the space of one night. While the whole thing is something I actually look back on very fondly, it was completely insane. Patching together what I read in the archives it seems my courtship of Kate largely entailed writing WWW.THEFATWEBSITE.COM on her ass and then getting drunk and hooking up. I think she didn’t have much choice in getting back together with me whenever we split because I was so aggressively absorbing her friends time that she had to be with me or hang out with Andrew No Mates Foulkes.
And I think it largely reflects how I tried to cope with Polly and Nigel. You see, I HAVEN’T LEARNT A THING. I didn’t physically try and write WWW.SPY-MAGAZINE.NET on Polly’s butt and then get her drunk and hook up but I was slightly appalled when she chose Nigel over me not just because she turned me down. A part of me was shocked because I thought “why shouldn’t she go with me?” To me, Nigel was Andrew Foulkes. My mentality hasn’t changed one bit. And its going to keep hurting me until I do.
I noticed something else when I read those posts, and fortunately, I’m more conscious of others enough this time around to say something. When the going gets good, I fall in to a bad habit of taking it for granted. And yet no matter how much bullshit I gave my friends, no matter what the ridiculous demands, you guys stuck with me. I have said some really stupid things in my time, I’ve fucked up pretty big and you’ve all been there when I needed you and didn’t once ask for anything in return. For that, I want to say thanks for putting up with my nonsense. All you of mean the world to me.
So there it is. I’m not really dealing with my problems very well but while I’m dealing, I want to make sure you all know you’re being appreciated. I’m a slow learner and I can’t change all my misgivings overnight, but I’m trying.
A tribute post…to friends!
Replies: 3 comments
Edo as they say it is better to have loved and lost than to have never loved before. The fact that you felt so strongly about Polly shows that you are growing up. You are no longer as self-absorbed as a few years ago. You never know what is around the next corner…
Posted by David Stafford @ 04/30/2003 08:49 PM AST
cheers edo, cheers.
Posted by mike @ 04/28/2003 10:12 PM AST
hey edo. as far as the not dealing with the girl thing goes – write a song (or an album!). its a good outlet. it might not be a happy song but it’ll help! (NOTE: for examples and further instructions on how to write songs about girls, society, and politics listen to the new cd by “- jassa”, out now on MiLk pLuS Records! ahhh, the joys of self-promotion.)
Posted by jassa @ 04/28/2003 10:11 PM AST